Haunted by You

Every day I see you, it brings back all the memories
It makes me shiver and sigh, reminding me of the sorries
You seem too distant, so far away from me
Wanting me to act all fake so you can be free
No matter how many times I say to myself we are nothing anymore
I just love you too much that I start to cry, my tears start to pour
I just look from afar, maybe you’ll look my way
Maybe you’ll come over and sit and even stay
I wish we’d talk more often like we used to do back then and before
Keeping each other company and dreaming of that love has in store
But instead, you’re with her laughing and playing your endless game
You have forgotten all about me and yet right now I am the one to blame
Cause I remember everything from the beginning until the end
Even when you didn’t have a clue, even before you were my friend
I thought you were someone special, I think about you every night
Hoping we can be together again, wishing you had been Mr Right
But it’s never simple, it’s actually a difficult thing
How you treat me like I’m dirt while you play King
It’s complicated, hard, I just can’t cope
All I can do now is just pray and hope
For better, for good, for you
Even if it was not a dream come true
I want to tell you all the things I never got to say
How I wish you would always be beside me day by day
I wanted to make this all real
I wanted to show you how I truly feel
The ways you made me laugh and smile
The times we made everything worthwhile
The kiss in the rain and the made outs on the chair
The way you stroked and brushed my hair
The moments your hands keeps touching my skin
The feelings that screamed we are the ones who’ll win
I thought I was the one for you, that we will never part
The one who helped you mend your broken heart
I kept thinking I was gonna be your first and last
Turns out you after the years have gone, I am just your past
Maybe it is time to just give it all up and never try
At least, that way I wouldn’t have to hide my face and cry
I’m tired of wasting my time and my tears,
You promised to bring the happiness not the fears
I need to accept that this chapter is done
Farewell, I am on my way now, I am almost gone
I have nothing else to do but vanish from your sight
Nothing to do except fix my heart and go look for the light
I hope this is not goodbye so please don’t cry
Cause if you do, I’ll know that I’m the reason why…

You did it, Mr Llama!!

Oh My Geoffery! After three years, you have just gone and finished your degree and going to graduate next month. Where did the time go? I am so proud of you, Hun. I know this will probably be really cheesy (but we like cheese) and filled with PDAs but I don’t care cause my awesome boyfriend is done with university. Woohoo! The last three years has been a total adventure filled with more random phrases and plenty of emotions. There were a lot of laughter and long conversations and some tears shed too. But despite everything, you just persevered and you have finally reached the end of your university journey.

I feel so proud of you and all the things you have achieved so far and I look forward to seeing you achieve even more wonderful things in the years to come. I am so glad I met you and got the courage to talk to you 4 years ago at the bus stop outside of Sixth Form. In the 4 years, I have gotten to know you, you have constantly been a positive influence and always willing to fill people’s life with happiness. You want to make people smile and you hate being part of conflict (something which has been tested several times during the three years of uni). The three years has been fairly difficult and you have expressed feeling upset or outcast but even then you did not let any of the negativity get to you and you made the best of all the worst situations. I admire your motivation to stay true to yourself and never let anyone belittle your views or close your mind up to the opinion of others. You went through a lot of emotions during all the years of your university journey but you have done so well to manage everything even it did require some extensions. I am so happy you can now celebrate and breathe away all the stress and just embrace the freedom of a university graduate (graduation next month), I am so excited for you.

Another thing that was tested was our relationship as we didn’t know how a long distance relationship was gonna play out as we both didn’t have a job so getting to see each other and hanging out was going to be difficult. For three years, we made do with calls, texts and Skype as our form of communication and there have been a few arguments about when will we get to meet up. I know it was frustrating and took a lot of patience before we got to see each other again on February 16 of this year lol. But I really thought it was worth it and even if it was a long time waiting, getting a few hours to spend with you was so magical. (so magical that I cried for two days after you left haha). Our relationship has gone through a lot of ups and downs, we have created new meanings for words and we have had our fights and random moments but all in all, I couldn’t be happier having you as part of my life, if not physically but mentally and emotionally. I hope to make more memories with you, my darling Llama King. I love you so much. No words can express how much I adore you and appreciate all the things we have experienced so far.

You are an amazing person/llama and I am so proud and happy of all your success stories so far and I am sure there will be plenty more now that you have ticked off getting a degree from your list. The world better be ready for Mr Llama, (soon-to-be) Philosophy, Politics and Ethics BA Hons Graduate to conquer the world as a musician/lawyer/teacher/pirate/gangsta fish/ whatever you chooses to do lol. So, I hope you enjoy your little break before and after graduation with your friends and family.

Go and show the rest of the world your swagtastic and chuggarific powers!

One Month of Job Hunting

I can’t believe it has already been over a month since I submitted my dissertation, the month of May has ended and it is now June. That means I have been basically hunting for jobs for a month now. May has definitely been hectic and filled with stress and my right forefinger glued to the scroll down button as I skimmed passed hundreds and thousands of jobs on every single job websites you can think of. I feel like day after day my head would explode and sleep always won at the end as soon as my head hit the pillow. I wish I could say this journey had been fun so far but that would be lying.

At the start of the month, I was ready to jump into looking for work cause why waste time when there are plenty of opportunities available out there, right? I was so ready to go look for some work that will help me get ahead of everyone and gain some experience in an area where I hope to keep climbing. I wanted a job related to my degree, Media Studies, where I can feel that going to university and having £27,000 debt on my shoulders would pay off (and be paid off quickly). I was ready to go conquer the Media world like those beautiful people you see in the movies where they are so hyped about the next step of looking for work and they just get it like destiny made it that way. Unfortunately, sometimes reality isn’t like what you see in the movies and the world doesn’t want to co-operate with how you see your life playing out. There wasn’t much media related job in Cambridge and those that are available require previous experience (which I don’t have)and right now going off to London or some other place would be pointless since I don’t graduate until October. So what do you do when no jobs are available that suits your preferences? You go to the next related thing that will help you gain experience, Apprenticeships.

I applied for an apprenticeship before and I didn’t get that. So, I was not too sure if applying for more is a good idea. But it was worth a shot and it WILL help me gain training and make connections with more people in the industry so its a start. I applied for a lot of media-related apprentices in areas such as digital marketing and social media. I just wanted to find something to do which will help me gain money and just some experience in a workplace. I applied for five apprenticeships in total (so far) and received one phone call. I was so nervous getting a phone call as I hate talking to people on the phone but I did gather up the courage to phone them back (I missed it and it went to voicemail cause hungry lol) and they just asked me to send them an email about the modules I did at university. The email was sent off and I never received anything back from them which made me feel kinda sad. However, I knew there are other areas I can try going into even if this did end with a dead end.

One of those areas was doing an internship around Cambridge which was fairly difficult as there isn’t much of those here either but I knew no one will take me if it having experience that they are looking for. By this point in the job searching journey, I was feeling a little down that there wasn’t much happening and it is not happening as quick as I had anticipated. I was also at the point of doubt and frustration as the only option ultimately will be an internship in London as there are dozens there. But even then and right now, I feel with how the world is going I need to hold off going further away but if it comes to graduation and I am still jobless, going to do an internship is still on the cards. In the meantime, my mum has suggested I go down a different path and see how I do in another career which is childcare as my work experience was a Playgroup Assistant. Many people have told me that I do so good with children so I thought I’d try it and maybe this is the path I was destined to discover. So, I have put aside all the media stuff for now and I applied for non-qualified nursery jobs and other childcare jobs such as playworker around my local area and Cambridge. I did apply for other various jobs such as a data entry clerk and an office assistant but I was rejected. But despite the rejection, at the end of May, I have been in communication with an agency which supplies teaching assistant and nursery assistant roles in various schools around Cambridge and my application and details are currently under clearance. I also had an interview for a playworker role in a primary school in Cambridge and another playworker role application form was filled out for another school in my local area. Everything is in the balance right now and I will update you guys with more information if I am successful or not. (either way, I am getting practice in doing interviews, making and answering phone calls and completing application forms so it is still benefitting me).

A month of job hunting has just finished and with the summer just around the corner, more days of job hunting is still to come. It is a long journey but hopefully a worthwhile one and it is all part of the adventures I will need to discover as part of life. Wish me luck guys and let’s see where this adventure will take me.

Always Love

I’m not perfect, don’t you mind
I’m not a winner, don’t go blind
I work hard and try my best
I do that and God does the rest
I think, write and draw
I am human not made of straw
I have soul and heart
I didn’t get the head start
They are angry, they never chill
They should start now or they never will
They criticise and continually speak
But they do not know, I’m not weak
I know life can be hard and it is short
Knock walls down and go build a fort
Just stand freely and let them see you cry
If they don’t want you. bid them goodbye
Cross the road, change paths and run
You can choose to be free and just have fun
If they can’t accept you for who you are
Ignore them, walk away, they will never get far
Just remember to have faith and hope
You will make it, you can cope
Just pray and hold the dove
Just remember to always love

Run, Run, Run…

As you guys know I have finished all of my university essays and I am on a mission in finding the next adventure: a job. So far, the mission hasn’t been as successful or as quick as I would like it to be but I know that this takes time and I need to consider the different options that are available. 

Another mission I have right now is trying to lose some weight. I have been stuck at 56 kilograms since I was 16 and because of everything happening, I haven’t had the chance to lose the weight. I know I didn’t have much of an excuse before and without university, I haven’t got any excuse now not to exercise. My goal weight would be 52 kilos or even less at around 45 kilos. This mission of losing weight will benefit me in so many ways. Firstly, it will really help with my self-esteem and how I see myself right now. The areas I want to improve are my stomach, my arms and my thighs. By improving those areas, I think I will like my body more because I will be able to feel lighter. I have always internally felt unhealthy but I always made up an excuse not to do anything about it. But now I have the chance to improve myself on the outside and on the inside too. 

Secondly, by losing some weight I can prove to myself that I can do it if I put my mind to it. I have always dismissed the fact that by running for 15 minutes a day I can lose some weight even if it’s only a couple of grams. I always make excuses or if I do exercise, it will only be for a day or two then I’ll give up. Also, the fear of having an asthma attack has gotten in my head to the point that I will stop exercising as soon as I get out of breath. I have been told not to push myself too hard as I could have an asthma attack if I do. 

However, since I have been going on the treadmill, I have been able to train myself to run for at least 2 minutes and rest for 5 minutes which will allow my heart to show down back to normal before I repeat the process again. I haven’t had to use my inhaler so far so that’s a good sign. I have also made a rule that after every meal and after exercising, I will need to drink 2 big glasses of water. I haven’t been drinking much water before even at school but it has really made a difference to how I’ve been feeling and making sure I’m getting all the waste out of my system and staying hydrated. 

I have also recently started on my arms today so I can try and lose some flab in all the areas I want to improve on. The exercise experience has been going well so far and even when I reach my goal weight I will make sure I maintain my weight and improve my eating habits (which I still have trouble doing lol).  I will keep you posted on how I am progressing and if I am able to lose the weight and get down to my goal. I will give an update in two months. Just gotta keep running! 

The Three Years Ends

After three years of stress and a lot of headaches, my time at university is done. I do not have to do any more lectures. No more participating or not participating in seminars. No more early, afternoon or really dark rides on the bus. No more pressing the button for the automatic doors so I can go in or out of uni. No more tapping in at every lesson. No more getting bombarded by people wanting me to do surveys or giving out leaflets that I will throw in the bin anyway. No more university.

I finished my last day yesterday with a quick review session for one of my modules. It only lasted 30 minutes which seemed pointless but at least I could stretch my legs a bit and walk around university for the last time. I’m going, to be honest there really isn’t much to miss at university. I know that for some people university is the time to go down pubs or go clubbing to socialize. University is the place where you will find out who you are and what you want in life. By going to university, you will become more independent because you are away from your parents. University will be that place you will miss when it all ends. But all those things were never true for me. I prefer to stay at home watching cartoons and binge-watch my shows than going drinking out and living the club life. I lived with my parents for the three years whilst I was university and as far as I can tell it made me independent in ways I didn’t think it could. I did house chores (except cooking but I promise I’ll learn after my essays, Mum and Dad) and my parents also let me budget my student finances and I was even able to help a bit with a few things needed for the house. Staying at home also made me value family more which I did not value as much when I was still a teenager. I know a lot of people were telling me that I shouldn’t stay at home because it will ruin my time at university but if I did,  I believe I would have regretted it, especially with my little sister. Looking after her has been the best time to come out of the university experience and the reason I loved coming back home to my family. My family has been a big support system for me and even though we have fought and shouted at each other several times these three years, we have also made more funny and loving memories that I will cherish forever.

My experience at university was pretty good but I don’t think I will miss it as much as others make it out to be. I will probably miss the friends I’ve made and the some of the teachers which have impacted my life in terms of improving me as a person or helping me gain skills which I can use more in life but the experience…not so much. It was filled with stress, I cried a lot, threw a few things, dug my nails into stuff, swore and raised my middle finger at those elements that tried to rain on my semi-constructed parade. I didn’t really join any societies or made an impact there but I was able to do the one thing which I came to do when I told myself that university is the way. I was able to stick it through to the end and make my family and friends proud that soon I will be done with all the essays (just one more to do) and the three years of university will officially come to an end.

As for university helping me find who I am and what I want to do in life… I’ll keep you posted on that one when I know for sure. Now it’s time to finish the last ever university essay and once that’s all submitted I need to go searching for the next adventure to explore. So for now, thank you university friends and (some) teachers, it’s been fun knowing you and make sure you keep in touch.

See you at Graduation. 🎓

Battling A Past Lover

This is it, I have seen the light
Time to defend me and fight
I picked my sword and advanced
Surrender now, traitor, you don’t have a chance
My arrow raised and ready to fly
One will one and one will die
You have soldiers who have your back
But as long as you fall, this will be my final act
I hurt you so you left me in the dark, all alone
You’re no man, but a boy with a heart of stone
You think you rule the world and it is yours
I will always have hope, as long as the winds blows its course
So we fought, here we are face to face
We stopped and you thought I would fall for your embrace
You think you can give me gold and I would melt
But you didn’t’ go through on what you made me felt
So I walked away, maybe its gone too far
But admit it, I won this battle and boy I’m going to win the war.