Pig for Slaughter

You didn’t get your way with one
Now, you are trying with the other
You want it to be your decision
You are turning into your father
Just like him, you want to be in control
Laying down rule after rule after rule
You didn’t make me go down your path
You cannot make me into a fool
One mistake and it’s like the world ended
You just turned your face away from me
It suddenly became silent, no more noise
I guess this is the feeling of reality
No matter how you try and say
It’s not all about you
You has your dreams and you lost it
But I will still pursue
I’ll take you out of my mind
I’ll wipe you from my brain
You may be winning now
But I will make it through the pain
I am strong, I will not fail
I am my own mind, I will prevail
All you made me feel is like a pig for slaughter
Sometimes I wonder when you’ll treat me like your daughter

Love Never Dies

When someone leaves because they can’t stay
When someone is gone cause they have to go away
Just because they are gone, it doesn’t mean you should be sad
All you need to remember is the times you both had
You dream about them and wish they are there
When you look around, he seems to be everywhere
No matter how you try, he is not coming, gone forever
He is far away and you cannot see him, never
You feel lost, you feel like you want to cry
You feel like falling, why did he have to die?
But don’t waste your tears on something you can’t get
Sometimes it is easier if you just forget
Remember there are still many more doors you have to open
Don’t dwell on something that’s already happened
There are more opportunities, this is not the end
Forever you will cherish, the time you have spent
You need to keep him in your heart
Breathe and reach for a new start
The noise and pain might be really loud
Someday, you will make him really proud.

DEDICATED TO MY LATE GRANDFATHER/LOLO AL.
Died 2010.

Moving On

I have nothing to lose and more to gain
The time has come to stop the pain
The troubles are over and it’s going to stop
Time to climb and reach the mountain top
Just keep going cause you are gonna get there soon
Jump aboard and explore the planets, stars and moon
Travel the world and reach your goals
Complete my heart and reach my inner soul
I need to move on from the horrific past
Try to make the present last
Love me, my friends and family
Just relax and be problem free
Smile and laugh like before I met you
Achieve and Win, make my dreams come true
Starting right now, you are out of my life
You can no longer hurt me like a knife
I don’t need your hug or your kiss
We are over, you won’t be missed
I bid you farewell, you deadly stranger
Just stay away from me cause you’re the real danger.

The Three Years Ends

After three years of stress and a lot of headaches, my time at university is done. I do not have to do any more lectures. No more participating or not participating in seminars. No more early, afternoon or really dark rides on the bus. No more pressing the button for the automatic doors so I can go in or out of uni. No more tapping in at every lesson. No more getting bombarded by people wanting me to do surveys or giving out leaflets that I will throw in the bin anyway. No more university.

I finished my last day yesterday with a quick review session for one of my modules. It only lasted 30 minutes which seemed pointless but at least I could stretch my legs a bit and walk around university for the last time. I’m going, to be honest there really isn’t much to miss at university. I know that for some people university is the time to go down pubs or go clubbing to socialize. University is the place where you will find out who you are and what you want in life. By going to university, you will become more independent because you are away from your parents. University will be that place you will miss when it all ends. But all those things were never true for me. I prefer to stay at home watching cartoons and binge-watch my shows than going drinking out and living the club life. I lived with my parents for the three years whilst I was university and as far as I can tell it made me independent in ways I didn’t think it could. I did house chores (except cooking but I promise I’ll learn after my essays, Mum and Dad) and my parents also let me budget my student finances and I was even able to help a bit with a few things needed for the house. Staying at home also made me value family more which I did not value as much when I was still a teenager. I know a lot of people were telling me that I shouldn’t stay at home because it will ruin my time at university but if I did,  I believe I would have regretted it, especially with my little sister. Looking after her has been the best time to come out of the university experience and the reason I loved coming back home to my family. My family has been a big support system for me and even though we have fought and shouted at each other several times these three years, we have also made more funny and loving memories that I will cherish forever.

My experience at university was pretty good but I don’t think I will miss it as much as others make it out to be. I will probably miss the friends I’ve made and the some of the teachers which have impacted my life in terms of improving me as a person or helping me gain skills which I can use more in life but the experience…not so much. It was filled with stress, I cried a lot, threw a few things, dug my nails into stuff, swore and raised my middle finger at those elements that tried to rain on my semi-constructed parade. I didn’t really join any societies or made an impact there but I was able to do the one thing which I came to do when I told myself that university is the way. I was able to stick it through to the end and make my family and friends proud that soon I will be done with all the essays (just one more to do) and the three years of university will officially come to an end.

As for university helping me find who I am and what I want to do in life… I’ll keep you posted on that one when I know for sure. Now it’s time to finish the last ever university essay and once that’s all submitted I need to go searching for the next adventure to explore. So for now, thank you university friends and (some) teachers, it’s been fun knowing you and make sure you keep in touch.

See you at Graduation. 🎓

Living Proof

After what you’ve been through
You now know dreams don’t come true
There isn’t honesty or trust
Love was replaced by lust
Families broken because of what someone said
They can’t forgive or even forgot instead
Mother has always to be right
Father tries to break the fight
The youngest have to make noise
The eldest have to make the choice
Then there is you whose have been told to shut her mouth
To keep quiet because everyone has had enough
You’re always put to the test
The one who is put second-best
So you ran and ran and then tripped
A piece of your heart was ripped
Until he put it back together
The boy who told you forever
He said love is all you needed
You beg him to stay you pleaded
He left everyone else before
You’re here again slammed in the face by a door
They don’t know that you would never stop crying
Praying to God to say you just want to be dying
To never have to wake up and see anyone
Finally wake up somewhere fun
But even if it’s the end and all is well
You have always known that you belong in hell.

Thinking about the Future

I hate talking about the future or having to even think about it. I wish there was some teleportation device where I can just travel forward in time and see how life works out for me. I wish I could just see all the upsides and downfalls, all the happy moments and the sad moments, all the successes and struggles and just everything. I wish someone would come to me and give me the book of my life. A journal and encyclopaedia of what I am gonna be, what am I doing tomorrow, what am doing when I’m 30 years old, who will I marry, what my house will look like or even how many children or grandchildren I will have. Why can’t someone give me a crystal ball? I will look at it every morning and see all the things which will happen that day so I know what to avoid and what I should definitely be doing that day so everything will fit the way I want them to happen. Why does the future always seems so far away and so complicated, always hiding and a puzzle piece that you have to try and complete but no matter what sometimes the pieces doesn’t fit together or some days you just know that this puzzle has never ending pieces so you never know what it is or if you will ever have the chance to look at it in full.

If I had all these things, life would be so much easier. When I know a sad moment is about to come, then I can prepare myself and cry my eyes out even before it happens or do things differently so that sad moment never occurs. If I know that someone is about to propose to me then I can make sure to get a makeover and hire a photographer to capture that moment. If I knew that someone is going to die then I will be able to give that person a loving and deserving funeral. If life was just as easy as reading a book or traveling forward in time or even looking at a crystal ball then the future would be too, right?

But of course, in order for the future to appear I have to enjoy the present. I know that sometimes it’s hard to do this because life makes it so difficult to cope in living an ordinary life that could often be boring and mundane and lonely, everyday where you wish someone would just tell you what’s gonna happen. But no one really knows what will happen because that’s just life so we have to try and enjoy it even if it’s not what we want to do right at this moment.

The future might be tomorrow or in several years from now but I know that the future will only be as bright if I want it to be. Here’s to a bright and happy future!

Welcome to Essay and Exam Season

Hey folks! It is that time again where I will have to get up early and never sleep. That’s right we are now in essays and exams season! I still have three essays to write for May and a dissertation due on the end of April so I’m kinda panicking since the essays are still non-existent. But I have just finished going through the first draft of my dissertation (except the conclusion cause I got lazy but I will definitely get it done this week) but these essays are kinda long and I am very exhausted from other things as well. In addition to my essays, one of my sisters is also gonna do her exams this May and June, which she demanded I help her with her revisions (geez bossy) so the next couple of months will be very hectic and stressful. Hopefully I can do it and resume other things I need to prioritize next such as more job hunting. 

Last Essay Season!