HAPPINESS

How do you do it every single day?
A piece of your heart you have to give away
Pleasing everyone is not the best thing
Pleasing yourself has a nicer ring
In this world, we need more laughter and smiles
Nothing can compare to how the sun shines for miles
Every day you can make a change by living a positive life
Simply ignore the bad memories and moments of strife
So, you can think more about yourself, never less
…Don’t allow others to downplay your happiness! 

A Different Kind of Independence

Why living at home with my family throughout university did not hinder my independence but gave me something much better

When I was deciding where to go for university there was a lot of talk about independence and moving away from home and basically living the “uni life” without the help of your parents and being more independent. A lot of my friends were excited to leave Cambridge and go somewhere else to explore a different surrounding and see how well they can cope being away from home. At one point, I also felt the need to go explore another place too and get away from home for a bit just to see what happens (I mean isn’t that what every college student wish for?)

In the middle of my final year of A-Levels, my mum announced that we are going to have another person in our family because she is pregnant. I was of course very happy for her and having another family member is an exciting thing so my parents thought that it would be a good idea for me to just stay in Cambridge and help them look after the baby. I wasn’t really sure what to say or think. When I told my friends that I might be staying in Cambridge for my university, it was definitely a bag of mixed reactions. Some of them understood that its the best thing to do as having a new member of the family is an adventure in itself but most of them had doubts about how my future will turn out. People would raise their eyebrows like I’m a crazy person and those who had some opinions to say expressed it loud and clear. Many people would tell me: “It’s your decision, but if it was me I wouldn’t stay”“Cambridge is a nice place but I’m going, to be honest, your university is not the best [compared to mine]”, “Why do you need to take care of the baby? It’s your parent’s child!” or “It’s your life, Trisha. You shouldn’t let your parents control what you should do”. Those doubts made me start to think of all the bad things that could happen if I did stay in Cambridge to study. But even though I was worried, my gut was telling me to stay, so I did.

After the three years at university and finally having time to reflect on the meaning of independence, I really believe I made the right decision for me. Some people might think that it was a forced decision and my parents made me stay but the reason I stayed wasn’t for them, it was for me. If I walked away and went to live in another city or town, I think I would have been very sad, especially after spending nearly 7 months with my baby sister, Bea. I got to know her and if I pictured myself somewhere else and not had gotten the chance to see her grow into the cheeky and cute 3-year-old she is now, I really would have regretted it. Many people still raise their eyebrows at me even now and still believe that I just let my parents “control” me. People cannot seem to process the fact that even if I chose to continue living with my family, my independence wasn’t hindered in any way. I was the one who chose my degree, I was the one who managed my finances and sorted out documents that were related to university and even though I was still eating and living under my parent’s roof, I learnt that independence is not about going on an adventure alone. Independence for me means that I get to choose the adventures I discover and I get to decide the people that become part of that adventure, in this case, my family. 

Being independent means recognising and learning skills that you need in life that you can use when life needs you to survive. Yes, independence also means not having to be reliant on other people like your family- but being with my family has made me stronger than ever as a person, a sister and a daughter. I got to make endless memories filled with arguments and laughter that going to another place would have taken away from me. It made me value my family more because no matter how much we fight or make fun of each other, we really love each other and nothing can replace family. So, I didn’t sacrifice independence and even if you think I did, you would be mistaken because I learnt that happiness comes from the simplest of things, from the people who are the closest to you, your family and that is something no one (no matter how you say you were right or I would have regretted it) can take away from me. 

Pig for Slaughter

You didn’t get your way with one
Now, you are trying with the other
You want it to be your decision
You are turning into your father
Just like him, you want to be in control
Laying down rule after rule after rule
You didn’t make me go down your path
You cannot make me into a fool
One mistake and it’s like the world ended
You just turned your face away from me
It suddenly became silent, no more noise
I guess this is the feeling of reality
No matter how you try and say
It’s not all about you
You has your dreams and you lost it
But I will still pursue
I’ll take you out of my mind
I’ll wipe you from my brain
You may be winning now
But I will make it through the pain
I am strong, I will not fail
I am my own mind, I will prevail
All you made me feel is like a pig for slaughter
Sometimes I wonder when you’ll treat me like your daughter

Love Never Dies

When someone leaves because they can’t stay
When someone is gone cause they have to go away
Just because they are gone, it doesn’t mean you should be sad
All you need to remember is the times you both had
You dream about them and wish they are there
When you look around, he seems to be everywhere
No matter how you try, he is not coming, gone forever
He is far away and you cannot see him, never
You feel lost, you feel like you want to cry
You feel like falling, why did he have to die?
But don’t waste your tears on something you can’t get
Sometimes it is easier if you just forget
Remember there are still many more doors you have to open
Don’t dwell on something that’s already happened
There are more opportunities, this is not the end
Forever you will cherish, the time you have spent
You need to keep him in your heart
Breathe and reach for a new start
The noise and pain might be really loud
Someday, you will make him really proud.

DEDICATED TO MY LATE GRANDFATHER/LOLO AL.
Died 2010.

Moving On

I have nothing to lose and more to gain
The time has come to stop the pain
The troubles are over and it’s going to stop
Time to climb and reach the mountain top
Just keep going cause you are gonna get there soon
Jump aboard and explore the planets, stars and moon
Travel the world and reach your goals
Complete my heart and reach my inner soul
I need to move on from the horrific past
Try to make the present last
Love me, my friends and family
Just relax and be problem free
Smile and laugh like before I met you
Achieve and Win, make my dreams come true
Starting right now, you are out of my life
You can no longer hurt me like a knife
I don’t need your hug or your kiss
We are over, you won’t be missed
I bid you farewell, you deadly stranger
Just stay away from me cause you’re the real danger.

The Three Years Ends

After three years of stress and a lot of headaches, my time at university is done. I do not have to do any more lectures. No more participating or not participating in seminars. No more early, afternoon or really dark rides on the bus. No more pressing the button for the automatic doors so I can go in or out of uni. No more tapping in at every lesson. No more getting bombarded by people wanting me to do surveys or giving out leaflets that I will throw in the bin anyway. No more university.

I finished my last day yesterday with a quick review session for one of my modules. It only lasted 30 minutes which seemed pointless but at least I could stretch my legs a bit and walk around university for the last time. I’m going, to be honest there really isn’t much to miss at university. I know that for some people university is the time to go down pubs or go clubbing to socialize. University is the place where you will find out who you are and what you want in life. By going to university, you will become more independent because you are away from your parents. University will be that place you will miss when it all ends. But all those things were never true for me. I prefer to stay at home watching cartoons and binge-watch my shows than going drinking out and living the club life. I lived with my parents for the three years whilst I was university and as far as I can tell it made me independent in ways I didn’t think it could. I did house chores (except cooking but I promise I’ll learn after my essays, Mum and Dad) and my parents also let me budget my student finances and I was even able to help a bit with a few things needed for the house. Staying at home also made me value family more which I did not value as much when I was still a teenager. I know a lot of people were telling me that I shouldn’t stay at home because it will ruin my time at university but if I did,  I believe I would have regretted it, especially with my little sister. Looking after her has been the best time to come out of the university experience and the reason I loved coming back home to my family. My family has been a big support system for me and even though we have fought and shouted at each other several times these three years, we have also made more funny and loving memories that I will cherish forever.

My experience at university was pretty good but I don’t think I will miss it as much as others make it out to be. I will probably miss the friends I’ve made and the some of the teachers which have impacted my life in terms of improving me as a person or helping me gain skills which I can use more in life but the experience…not so much. It was filled with stress, I cried a lot, threw a few things, dug my nails into stuff, swore and raised my middle finger at those elements that tried to rain on my semi-constructed parade. I didn’t really join any societies or made an impact there but I was able to do the one thing which I came to do when I told myself that university is the way. I was able to stick it through to the end and make my family and friends proud that soon I will be done with all the essays (just one more to do) and the three years of university will officially come to an end.

As for university helping me find who I am and what I want to do in life… I’ll keep you posted on that one when I know for sure. Now it’s time to finish the last ever university essay and once that’s all submitted I need to go searching for the next adventure to explore. So for now, thank you university friends and (some) teachers, it’s been fun knowing you and make sure you keep in touch.

See you at Graduation. 🎓

Living Proof

After what you’ve been through
You now know dreams don’t come true
There isn’t honesty or trust
Love was replaced by lust
Families broken because of what someone said
They can’t forgive or even forgot instead
Mother has always to be right
Father tries to break the fight
The youngest have to make noise
The eldest have to make the choice
Then there is you whose have been told to shut her mouth
To keep quiet because everyone has had enough
You’re always put to the test
The one who is put second-best
So you ran and ran and then tripped
A piece of your heart was ripped
Until he put it back together
The boy who told you forever
He said love is all you needed
You beg him to stay you pleaded
He left everyone else before
You’re here again slammed in the face by a door
They don’t know that you would never stop crying
Praying to God to say you just want to be dying
To never have to wake up and see anyone
Finally wake up somewhere fun
But even if it’s the end and all is well
You have always known that you belong in hell.