Haunted by You

Every day I see you, it brings back all the memories
It makes me shiver and sigh, reminding me of the sorries
You seem too distant, so far away from me
Wanting me to act all fake so you can be free
No matter how many times I say to myself we are nothing anymore
I just love you too much that I start to cry, my tears start to pour
I just look from afar, maybe you’ll look my way
Maybe you’ll come over and sit and even stay
I wish we’d talk more often like we used to do back then and before
Keeping each other company and dreaming of that love has in store
But instead, you’re with her laughing and playing your endless game
You have forgotten all about me and yet right now I am the one to blame
Cause I remember everything from the beginning until the end
Even when you didn’t have a clue, even before you were my friend
I thought you were someone special, I think about you every night
Hoping we can be together again, wishing you had been Mr Right
But it’s never simple, it’s actually a difficult thing
How you treat me like I’m dirt while you play King
It’s complicated, hard, I just can’t cope
All I can do now is just pray and hope
For better, for good, for you
Even if it was not a dream come true
I want to tell you all the things I never got to say
How I wish you would always be beside me day by day
I wanted to make this all real
I wanted to show you how I truly feel
The ways you made me laugh and smile
The times we made everything worthwhile
The kiss in the rain and the made outs on the chair
The way you stroked and brushed my hair
The moments your hands keeps touching my skin
The feelings that screamed we are the ones who’ll win
I thought I was the one for you, that we will never part
The one who helped you mend your broken heart
I kept thinking I was gonna be your first and last
Turns out you after the years have gone, I am just your past
Maybe it is time to just give it all up and never try
At least, that way I wouldn’t have to hide my face and cry
I’m tired of wasting my time and my tears,
You promised to bring the happiness not the fears
I need to accept that this chapter is done
Farewell, I am on my way now, I am almost gone
I have nothing else to do but vanish from your sight
Nothing to do except fix my heart and go look for the light
I hope this is not goodbye so please don’t cry
Cause if you do, I’ll know that I’m the reason why…

One Month of Job Hunting

I can’t believe it has already been over a month since I submitted my dissertation, the month of May has ended and it is now June. That means I have been basically hunting for jobs for a month now. May has definitely been hectic and filled with stress and my right forefinger glued to the scroll down button as I skimmed passed hundreds and thousands of jobs on every single job websites you can think of. I feel like day after day my head would explode and sleep always won at the end as soon as my head hit the pillow. I wish I could say this journey had been fun so far but that would be lying.

At the start of the month, I was ready to jump into looking for work cause why waste time when there are plenty of opportunities available out there, right? I was so ready to go look for some work that will help me get ahead of everyone and gain some experience in an area where I hope to keep climbing. I wanted a job related to my degree, Media Studies, where I can feel that going to university and having £27,000 debt on my shoulders would pay off (and be paid off quickly). I was ready to go conquer the Media world like those beautiful people you see in the movies where they are so hyped about the next step of looking for work and they just get it like destiny made it that way. Unfortunately, sometimes reality isn’t like what you see in the movies and the world doesn’t want to co-operate with how you see your life playing out. There wasn’t much media related job in Cambridge and those that are available require previous experience (which I don’t have)and right now going off to London or some other place would be pointless since I don’t graduate until October. So what do you do when no jobs are available that suits your preferences? You go to the next related thing that will help you gain experience, Apprenticeships.

I applied for an apprenticeship before and I didn’t get that. So, I was not too sure if applying for more is a good idea. But it was worth a shot and it WILL help me gain training and make connections with more people in the industry so its a start. I applied for a lot of media-related apprentices in areas such as digital marketing and social media. I just wanted to find something to do which will help me gain money and just some experience in a workplace. I applied for five apprenticeships in total (so far) and received one phone call. I was so nervous getting a phone call as I hate talking to people on the phone but I did gather up the courage to phone them back (I missed it and it went to voicemail cause hungry lol) and they just asked me to send them an email about the modules I did at university. The email was sent off and I never received anything back from them which made me feel kinda sad. However, I knew there are other areas I can try going into even if this did end with a dead end.

One of those areas was doing an internship around Cambridge which was fairly difficult as there isn’t much of those here either but I knew no one will take me if it having experience that they are looking for. By this point in the job searching journey, I was feeling a little down that there wasn’t much happening and it is not happening as quick as I had anticipated. I was also at the point of doubt and frustration as the only option ultimately will be an internship in London as there are dozens there. But even then and right now, I feel with how the world is going I need to hold off going further away but if it comes to graduation and I am still jobless, going to do an internship is still on the cards. In the meantime, my mum has suggested I go down a different path and see how I do in another career which is childcare as my work experience was a Playgroup Assistant. Many people have told me that I do so good with children so I thought I’d try it and maybe this is the path I was destined to discover. So, I have put aside all the media stuff for now and I applied for non-qualified nursery jobs and other childcare jobs such as playworker around my local area and Cambridge. I did apply for other various jobs such as a data entry clerk and an office assistant but I was rejected. But despite the rejection, at the end of May, I have been in communication with an agency which supplies teaching assistant and nursery assistant roles in various schools around Cambridge and my application and details are currently under clearance. I also had an interview for a playworker role in a primary school in Cambridge and another playworker role application form was filled out for another school in my local area. Everything is in the balance right now and I will update you guys with more information if I am successful or not. (either way, I am getting practice in doing interviews, making and answering phone calls and completing application forms so it is still benefitting me).

A month of job hunting has just finished and with the summer just around the corner, more days of job hunting is still to come. It is a long journey but hopefully a worthwhile one and it is all part of the adventures I will need to discover as part of life. Wish me luck guys and let’s see where this adventure will take me.

What happens now?

I’m not pretty, I’m not perfect, I’m nothing to anyone
They always go away, always disappearing, gone
They never even stay for too long
Never a year, never forever, it has gone wrong
First, they win me with words and sorts and stuff
Filling me with sweet things and playful fluff
Then, without realising, slowly I break into million ones
They pretend they betray, they hate and they pounce
No more love, no more peace, just hatred and guilt
The scales start to become unbalanced, it starts to tilt
It moves towards you, so you are the one who wins
Hurting me all the time at the drop of a pin
And when I’m broken, you make me miss your absence
You force me to sit and listen to the silence
To emphasise just how badly I’ll need you
And the fact that you won’t miss me too
Leaving me, Leaving me, Leaving me to cry
Leaving me and walking away, leaving me wonder why?

Pig for Slaughter

You didn’t get your way with one
Now, you are trying with the other
You want it to be your decision
You are turning into your father
Just like him, you want to be in control
Laying down rule after rule after rule
You didn’t make me go down your path
You cannot make me into a fool
One mistake and it’s like the world ended
You just turned your face away from me
It suddenly became silent, no more noise
I guess this is the feeling of reality
No matter how you try and say
It’s not all about you
You has your dreams and you lost it
But I will still pursue
I’ll take you out of my mind
I’ll wipe you from my brain
You may be winning now
But I will make it through the pain
I am strong, I will not fail
I am my own mind, I will prevail
All you made me feel is like a pig for slaughter
Sometimes I wonder when you’ll treat me like your daughter

The End

I gave you my love and my body
I gave you laughs and our own parody
I gave you plenty of kisses and hugs
I gave you all my secrets on the rugs
I gave you hints that I want you
I had no doubt you want me too
I gave you everything so we can be together
I gave you my world and all you say is “Whatever”
I gave you passionate kisses and you say “It’s okay”
You talk so much of your best mate…Dude are you gay?
You talk so much about her and your past
You talk more about that bitch and I’ll be your last
You talk and talk and talk some more
But now it’s my turn, you’re a real bore
Let me list all the things you can’t have
Even if you want it so much, bruv!
You can’t have my perky breasts
Unless you grow some hair on your chest
You can’t have my kisses with tongue
Do you even know what you’ve become?
You can’t have the time that has passed
You certainly can’t have my beautiful ass
You can’t have the thing between my legs
No matter how you crawl, plead or even beg
I am through being lover’s fool
I’d rather date a dying mule
I’d rather stay single forever
Just face it, we can’t be together
Because I’m uptight and you’re just wrong
Grow some abs darling, you’ll never be strong
You think you were winning before
Well, not anymore, close the f***ing door
I don’t want to see your face
I don’t need your sweaty embrace
I don’t want your small dick
Get a life cause you are just a prick
Let me tell you I am amazing in bed
I can really mess with a boy’s head
So unless you can still grow your stick
Time is running out so be quick
Before I let you have me in your room
Before this “relationship” can resume
I have one rule in the plan
I only give my body to a man
So since you are not that, let’s say “Adios”
You are just the garbage boy, I want the BOSS!

Who will Win?

Two boys fighting with a gun
But who will win, which one?
It started one day for no reason
It happened in one particular season
It might have been autumn or winter
I remember my sister had a blister
These two boys are filled with surprise
Too bad they are also full of white lies
One was much taller than the other
Both equally love their mother
These two boys wants the same prize
To take the princess to Love Paradise
So they fought and fought and fought some more
Right now, they have the same damn score
The fair lady waits for her prince to come
And when he does, she’ll give him some
For now, she will just keep feeling lonely
Please hurry up, Mr One and Only!

Tell Me

Tell me that you love me
Tell me this is how it should be
Tell me I was right
Tell me I won the fight
Tell me you were wrong
Tell me I need to be strong
Tell me that you care
Tell me you’re the one that’s not fair
Tell me that I’m the one
Tell me now or I’ll be gone
Tell me that you want me by your side
Tell me all your secrets you are trying to hide
Tell me that you need me every day
Tell me you are here to stay
Tell me everything from start to end
Text, Call and Type then press send
Tell me that I’ll be fine
Tell me that you’ll be mine
Finally tell me you’re the one you were
Promise me you won’t fall in love with her.