~You will be rewarded with a Great Honour~

Today, I am going to be graduating with a FIRST CLASS HONOURS!!! I still cannot believe it that I got a First Class grade.When I first saw it, I couldn’t quite process it that I got a 69.83% (which just barely made the first class grade) and the words next to it had First Class Honours. I just kept staring at it and shaking my head and I was really speechless. I never thought I would see those words on the screen. I was very certain that I would get a 2:1 because I calculated it over and over again (hoping it would be a 1st class) but finally accepting that I shouldn’t have even thought about getting a high grade and I am just happy with a 2.1. I already told a lot of my family members that I will get a B and soon I was confident that I would get a 2.1 (which secretly made me feel disappointed) but I moved on and just accepted it.

But those words on the screen when I saw it really brought tears to my eyes. The three years have been a huge adventure and like I said before, it wasn’t the easiest or the most fun thing you could do in your life (at least for me lol)  but I took it as a chance to prove myself that I can do it and grow. I didn’t really get high grades so I wasn’t looking for the top grade at all and most of the lecturers/ tutors warned us that not a lot of people will get firsts, so I didn’t have high hopes for myself. I cruised through the first year and in the second year and cruised even further in my third year, hoping for at least a 2.1. As a person who also missed out on things, I like to keep to myself and just jump hoping to land safely at least a metre from the edge and I treated university the same way. I did my best and if it wasn’t enough then I had to accept it and move on. I never shared my grades with anyone (unless they ask) but it always plays over and over again in my mind that I will never get a top grade and that always stayed with me until the results day. I still cannot believe I got a First Class Honour!

Getting this grade means so much to me for several reasons. Firstly, as I mentioned above, I am not the person who was highly praised for being academically smart and most of my grades especially A-Levels was so crap. I even had my doubts if I will even make it into university. But now, I have officially finished on a high note and I couldn’t have been more proud of myself. After all the stress, crying, headaches and sleepless nights, I can now breathe a sigh of relief that I am officially finished with all the essays and I am officially finishing with a First Class Honours. All those times, I stood people up and told them I was too busy to meet them (cause I was doing some last minute essays lol), the times I shut myself in my room and forced Vanessa to stay with me during some of my all-nighters so I would have some company, the times she was annoying and told me ‘It will be fine, Trisha’ and ‘You need to calm down!’ (which followed with a pillow to her face and on one occasion I dug my nails into her arms- I said I was sorry and you can barely see the scarring hahaha) and the times I handed every essay in thinking that it is the best I could and it is up to God what grade I get. I am one of those people who doubted herself constantly and worried so much about the future but always kept it to myself cause I don’t want to bother people. People would tell me it would be fine and I will nod my head (even if deep down I doubt it will be lol) and just get on with things. I never thought of the possibility of getting a first in anything and even though I would get excited when I got a first in some of my essays, I tell myself that I need to tone down the excitement so I won’t be disappointed. But damn, I did it and got an unexpected First Class Honours.

Another reason this means so much to me is that getting a high grade means I have ticked off one of the things on my bucket list, which is graduating from university and graduating with the highest grade possible. I know that going to university is a privilege as my parents always tell us, education is something people cannot take away from you and something you can never lose. So many people dream of going to university and they cannot afford to, so I feel so blessed that I stuck with it and finished university. I know this also means so much to my family that I am going to be graduating and there are not enough words I can write and say to thank them enough for quietly supporting me.

To my parents, thank you for always pushing me to be the best I could be and showering me with all the things I want and need. My parents work so hard every day to earn money to pay for all the necessities in life and they never wanted anything back except the promise from us to work hard and be a good person. Nothing can ever repay the unconditional love my parents have given me all my life but I hope now that I am going to be graduating, I can share with them the pride of this great accomplishment and a toast to the start of a fruitful future that they have always believed I would have.

To my sisters, firstly to Vanessa, you have always been annoying and we have had a lot of fights and I am sure there are still more to come. You have always made fun of me (mostly about my ex-boyfriends) but you have also brought some fun into my life by being my volunteer PA by bringing all my stuff for me up and down the stairs. Even if I injured you in the process or told you to be quiet, I always appreciated your encouraging words and your willingness to help me realise that I can do it! To Beatrice, thank you for helping me make peace with my inner child. With all the stress, I was always so serious about getting things done to prove that I have become an adult but with all the times spent with you, you have helped me take a break from being all grown up and watch cartoons and play childish games I have missed so much (plus it gave me a reason not to do my essays).

To all my aunts, uncles and cousins, you have always been there with supportive advice and compliments and even if we do not get to see or speak to each other as much as we would like, I know you are cheering me on with great enthusiasm. To all my Lolas, you have taken care of me since I was little and watched me grow into the person I am now. You have passed on your wisdom to my parents and they have passed it on to me and that has helped shaped my values on life and the power of prayer. I know we don’t go to church as much as we should but I also know that all of you always pray for me, for my health, my happiness and for my studies. I am so glad that both of our prayers have been answered and I am graduating with the highest honours. I will send some pictures over so I can share the blessings that God has given me. To my late Lolo Al and Lolo Ramon, I am so sad that you can’t see me graduate but I hope you are looking down on me and are very proud.

To all the few friends that stuck with me since childhood and until now, thank you so much for making me realise the power of friendship and I appreciate all the support you have given me (even though I didn’t get to meet up or hang out as much as you would have liked me to come and meet up). I will try and make an effort to come hang out more hahaha. To all the friends I met at university, you have been amazing and I am sure our paths will cross again and you will go on to greater things. To all the lecturers that taught me, you have opened my eyes and ears about social issues from theories that seemed like from many years ago (that I would have normally not even realised existed or wanted to read) but those lessons will stay with me in my mind and has not only made me more wiser but full of curiosity to discover more. 

After today I would be officially ending my university life with the highest grade and closing a huge chapter of my life. I cannot wait to see what the future has install for me. Let us toast to more undiscovered adventures that is now waiting to be discovered. 

Peace and Love, 

Trisha xo

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Never Mind

Many years have passed and words have been said
Yet here we are standing the test of time instead
We stand face to face, invisible to the eye and screen in hand
We talk and it comes back to the phrase: ‘I hope you understand’
But you know what, I don’t think I do and maybe after this, I never will
We have been moving so fast but Mate its time to stand still
I asked you a harmless question and you asked one back
I had an explanation then you exploded with an attack
You began with how you did me good through all these years
Oh is that why my heart is breaking and my eyes fill with tears?
You accuse me of things I never gave you or every did
Sometimes, you make me feel like the girl that God forbid
You continue that my lack of presence means I don’t care
Just because I didn’t take the train or the money, well that’s not fair!
You said I hold you at a distance even when you are close enough to touch
Sorry I wasted my tears for two days straight, just because I missed you so much
Then you end the conversation by saying  it’s nice for a couple to openly communicate
Four months have gone by and you choose to tell me this now, well Dude it’s too late
I am tired of disappointments and how we are running round and round
You keep on talking clever words but I no longer hear any sound
You missed so much whilst you were basking in your incredibility
You wanted me to be more visible in your life, how about invisibility?
Because I feel invisible and all I asked was a tag or a small post
I didn’t ask you for money or a train ticket, I’m so glad this ends with almost
I want to wish you good luck in your future and I’ll bow out and say farewell
If you had only listened, there are so many news I still had to say and tell
But I guess you’ll never know that I was about to start a job, actually two
If you could have only waited, I would be now planning my way to you
I never thought I would be the one to end it, I was the one who walked away
I have a feeling I will remember that rainy night and the following sunny day
And the saddest thing is that you made me believe that we are intertwined
But when I woke up, my heart felt lighter and my brain shrugged: “Never mind”.

HAPPINESS

How do you do it every single day?
A piece of your heart you have to give away
Pleasing everyone is not the best thing
Pleasing yourself has a nicer ring
In this world, we need more laughter and smiles
Nothing can compare to how the sun shines for miles
Every day you can make a change by living a positive life
Simply ignore the bad memories and moments of strife
So, you can think more about yourself, never less
…Don’t allow others to downplay your happiness! 

End of Conversation- I Forgot

You pretend that everything is okay
So they don’t have to leave or go away
If they asked you: “What do you regret?”
You’d tell them of the memories that you’d never forget
Like that sweet kiss in the rain
Your broken heart and the severe pain
The time you texted but they never replied
The times you locked the door and cried
You thought it would somehow just disappear and fade
Hoping it will erase the memories that are already made
Sometimes you try to rid of it all, then you see his face
You remember his kiss, his smile and that warm embrace
The days he didn’t want to let you go
You were going too fast but time is so slow
The rush and risks faded away
One day, will someone ever stay?
Days when you were sad and they were right there
Times when they ask you if you’re okay, like they care
But then the day came when memories started to fade
When suddenly something decided to be made
Both of them decided to come and state their love is true
You thought about it but do you really love them too?
You have to be polite, say “No”, just agree to be friends with them
To be their secret jewel and the precious one-of-a-kind gem
You took the risks that could get you in trouble
You took the blames, bruises, wounds and stumbles
You did everything because you wanted them in your life
But now you have to choose before the drop of a knife
Up until this day you still cannot decide
You can’t run and you could never hide
They are so far away that you have to travel
Crossing roads, building walls and kicking gravel
Are you willing to be hurt like before?
Can friends now be later something more?
If they saw you standing across the street
Would they avoid you or invite you to meet?
Are they feeling what is true or is it just pretend?
Do they want something more than just being friends?
Right now you do not know how to feel
These feelings you are trying to conceal
But one day you might find out who is true and who is not
End of conversation: “What were we talking about cause I forgot”

A Love Story

Once upon a time, that’s how the story starts
The tale of the Girl and Boy and their broken hearts
The Boy loved the Girl that was supposed to be his bride
He loved her so much that he pushed his family to the side
The Girl loved the boy, soon to be her groom
This would be a happy story, you might assume
The Boy loved her so much that he gave up his kingdom
The Girl loved him that she gave away her freedom
They loved each other and would sacrifice everything
He wanted her to be the Queen and him, her King
He loved her too much that he swore she is the one
That was how the story went until she disappeared, Gone!
He looked for her, searching for the Girl he was to marry
But he never did, the sun shone and the night sky starry
So he had to marry another girl, someone he did not love
He hoped to join his Queen when they meet in the clouds above
Little did he know, she was still alive, sane not crazy
His ex-bride wandered around with their small unborn baby
She went away to tell her family and then came
To see her beloved Boy with pride and joy, no shame
Some say it was bad timing and some say maybe it was bad luck
It was the wedding night, rain started to pour and lightning struck
The Girl sat in the church, not knowing the wedding was Boy’s and another
At the front of the altar, there stood his mother, father and brother
There she saw her Boy too, he looked handsome yet pale and grim
Then she turned and saw a girl in her dress, walk towards him
She was confused, she did not understand at first
As the ceremony took place, it became much worse
The vows were said and the rings on their finger
Represented how she is now just another stranger
That night Boy and Girl both cried
Their supposed love now has died
Girl found no use in living if their unborn baby has no father
Boy realised that Girl is the one for him, there can be no other
Girl took the knife and Boy took the poison
All three died but for a good reason
But all stories should come with a happy ending
So it shall, no strings, no pretending
Boy, Girl and their baby, stood together all happy and even
The Boy was right, they would finally meet again in heaven.

Coming Soon: More Poems

After a long break from blogging, I have missed not only writing on here but also missed sharing my poems with all of you. I never thought so many people would actually like my poems but I am incredibly touched that a lot of you have reached out and taking a liking to my poems. I have actually only two more poems that I have previously written left in my “poetry bank” and I will be sharing one at the end of this week and the last one early next week. I am really sad that I have shared all my poems on my blog but also happy that this will give me more reasons to write more. 

I am planning on sharing a poem with you at least once a week. I have a few ideas already on what I could base my poems on (mostly things that have happened in my life so far) but I would really appreciate and welcome any ideas that you guys might have that you would like me to write about. So please comment your ideas below so I can have a look at them and get writing!

Once again, thank you so much to all of you for continually supporting me and encouraging me to write my poems for you. 

Peace and Love xo

Trisha 

A Different Kind of Independence

Why living at home with my family throughout university did not hinder my independence but gave me something much better

When I was deciding where to go for university there was a lot of talk about independence and moving away from home and basically living the “uni life” without the help of your parents and being more independent. A lot of my friends were excited to leave Cambridge and go somewhere else to explore a different surrounding and see how well they can cope being away from home. At one point, I also felt the need to go explore another place too and get away from home for a bit just to see what happens (I mean isn’t that what every college student wish for?)

In the middle of my final year of A-Levels, my mum announced that we are going to have another person in our family because she is pregnant. I was of course very happy for her and having another family member is an exciting thing so my parents thought that it would be a good idea for me to just stay in Cambridge and help them look after the baby. I wasn’t really sure what to say or think. When I told my friends that I might be staying in Cambridge for my university, it was definitely a bag of mixed reactions. Some of them understood that its the best thing to do as having a new member of the family is an adventure in itself but most of them had doubts about how my future will turn out. People would raise their eyebrows like I’m a crazy person and those who had some opinions to say expressed it loud and clear. Many people would tell me: “It’s your decision, but if it was me I wouldn’t stay”“Cambridge is a nice place but I’m going, to be honest, your university is not the best [compared to mine]”, “Why do you need to take care of the baby? It’s your parent’s child!” or “It’s your life, Trisha. You shouldn’t let your parents control what you should do”. Those doubts made me start to think of all the bad things that could happen if I did stay in Cambridge to study. But even though I was worried, my gut was telling me to stay, so I did.

After the three years at university and finally having time to reflect on the meaning of independence, I really believe I made the right decision for me. Some people might think that it was a forced decision and my parents made me stay but the reason I stayed wasn’t for them, it was for me. If I walked away and went to live in another city or town, I think I would have been very sad, especially after spending nearly 7 months with my baby sister, Bea. I got to know her and if I pictured myself somewhere else and not had gotten the chance to see her grow into the cheeky and cute 3-year-old she is now, I really would have regretted it. Many people still raise their eyebrows at me even now and still believe that I just let my parents “control” me. People cannot seem to process the fact that even if I chose to continue living with my family, my independence wasn’t hindered in any way. I was the one who chose my degree, I was the one who managed my finances and sorted out documents that were related to university and even though I was still eating and living under my parent’s roof, I learnt that independence is not about going on an adventure alone. Independence for me means that I get to choose the adventures I discover and I get to decide the people that become part of that adventure, in this case, my family. 

Being independent means recognising and learning skills that you need in life that you can use when life needs you to survive. Yes, independence also means not having to be reliant on other people like your family- but being with my family has made me stronger than ever as a person, a sister and a daughter. I got to make endless memories filled with arguments and laughter that going to another place would have taken away from me. It made me value my family more because no matter how much we fight or make fun of each other, we really love each other and nothing can replace family. So, I didn’t sacrifice independence and even if you think I did, you would be mistaken because I learnt that happiness comes from the simplest of things, from the people who are the closest to you, your family and that is something no one (no matter how you say you were right or I would have regretted it) can take away from me.